So Stamer called me today to tell me that she was sorry for being a dick these which really just confused me, but she said she was sorry for not calling or whatever. I was really confused and I was like wait, are you apologizing for a specific incident or just in general? She said in general. I talked to her for a little while and she said that she was going to drag me to Margaret Cho with her and some people, so whatever. She said that she knows that she really doesn't have a chance to make up her friendship with Jess, and with good reason, but she thinks we still have a chance if we work things out.

I said that I didn't understand why she was apologizing for not calling when there were a whole lot of other things that she could apologize for which would have made more sense to me. As it was, it was just a confusing conversation. In the end I told her that I had to think about how I wanted to react to what she had to say and she said she expected to be chewed out about it, but I don't think she will get that. I need to talk to her about a lot of things, but I don't have the energy for most of them to be said angrily, I've already vented my frustrations on them with people who really care all the time and not just when another friend tells them to.

I called Jess afterward to find out what she thought about it because Jess and I have become very close this past year (well, the later part of the year anyway) and she said that when she had dinner with Tammy, she explained to her how Stamer only has one friend that she talks to during the school year and this year it was her. I have no beef about the not calling thing, it doesn't bother me, I understand that school is busy and you have shit to do. Jess didn't call me almost the whole time she was in Wisconsin her freshman year, so i don't think that she has a whole lot of room to complain about that one, but I do see where she is coming from on that.

I think I'm confused about two things: Stamer's motive for apologizing and what she wants my reaction to be.

Honestly it seemed like she wanted me to yell at her. She feels like crap about whatever she feels she did wrong and wants me to be angry. I, however, am not. All of my anger has been dissolved, I have talked to Danny a lot this year about friendships and how disappointed I was when a few of them turned out how I never thought they would. I do, however, still feel very hurt about some of the things that happened and I would like to discuss them. I think that I need to talk to Danny still, he is the one who knows more about the situation than anyone, so I would like to get his feedback before I decide what I would like to do/what I should say.

This, by the way is mostly for Danny because I called him earlier and he hasn't had a chance to get back to me, he had a meeting he didn't know about, but this way he can see it. To the rest of you, if you have some input, let me know.

By the way, My Outlaw Biker Name is Li'l Bitch of the Death Cats MC, how funny is that?? http://www.ratbike.org/motorcycho/outlawname.php

Short entry:

I'm looking at a massage therapy school in Villa Park, it's a one year program and I would be qualified to get my license for massage therapy afterward, which would be cool. It is more than I can afford, but I'm going to figure something out because I amd so sick of not being in school at this point it is making me crazy. It would be at night, so I could still have a job during the day and it would be at 6:30, so I could still have some time for myself after work, you know? Hopefully this can work out, I hate being a parasite on the people I know and love. It pains me to know that I can help in no way the people I care about the most and have no excuse as to why.

On a lighter note, Jeff was moved to a rehabilition center this week!! He's at Marian Joy in Wheaton, which, according to mom is a really good place. His parents aren't allowing visitors right now, but when they do, I want to go see him, I miss him a lot and I am so happy he's doing better. He can walk a little, but he has to have help relearning that and he is talking a tiny bit, he has said mom (to his mom), Jewel (to a friend that he's known forever who worked at jewel with him), and pain (when asked what hurt and where and he motioned to his ribs (which are broken)).

I wanna move to Moldova.

Jimmy is the cutest thing in the entire world, my mom got some pictures taken of him and they came out so well. I also took one of him standing in front of my aunt's glass door finger inserted in nose, reflection included! I loveded my Jimmy!

I haven't talked to Syndie in a while, which I would kinda like to do, but I have no extra money to hang out with her, so it really doesn't matter, I suppose, but in the next few weeks, I should be getting some extra cash....I hope...

Ok, so this wasn't as short as I thought but what are ya gonna do, right?

OH, Tammy:Honey I love you and I hope that you feel better, I know that things are rough, but give me a call, ok??

I apologize for not having posted in forever, I know how all of your miserable lives depend on whether or not I blog and all, wow, I think I've known Jess a little too long, huh??

Jeff has improved, I haven't had a chance to see him, but he is awake and he is talking a little bit, he remembers some stuff, so I'm very excited about that.

I have been training this week for cashier at Jewel, which means I will be getting more hours and subsiquently more money, hopefully I can get a car in the next month or so!!!

I LOST MY VIRGINITY!!!!

No not that one, sickos, that's been gone for a long time! I got my hair dyed for the first time ever!! It's hot...sry...it's gorgeous!!! LU Danny! It's three shades of red, the darkest is a bergundy, so Kelly is now calling me bergundy, lol, silly blonde losers.

Ummm...there are a few other things I want to say, but I would rather hold off on them for a little while, so I love you all, ttyl.

Describe yourself using one band and song titles from that band
Created by naw5689 and taken 12232 times on bzoink!
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:	Backstreet boys
Are you male or female:	Darlin'
Describe yourself:	I'll never break your heart
How do some people feel about you:	No one else comes close
How do you feel about yourself:	The one
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:	Set adrift memory bliss
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:	I need you tonight
Describe where you want to be:	Anywhere for you
Describe what you want to be:	The perfect fan
Describe how you live:	Larger than life
Describe how you love:	Get down
Share a few words of wisdom	If You Want It To Be Good Girl (Get Yourself A Bad Boy)
Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

I haven't heard anything about Jeff, which is both bad and good because that means he is not worsening, but he is not improving, either. It just isn't fair, he is legitimately one of those people who has no enemies, everyone likes Jeff. I'm going to visit him again on sunday with kimikai and jennifer (my sis), they are both really worried about him, too. It's going to be a long road to recovery for him, but I plan on being there if either he or his family need anything, it's just not fair for shit like this to happen to people like Jeff. Jeff, wherever you are right now, I'm thinking about you and sending good thoughts to you, I love you, hon.

SATIRE: Edgy church breaks old rules, insists on new ones
from larknews.com
At The Circle, a young, innovative church which meets in a renovated bus depot, there is no pulpit, platform or pastor, as such. The congregation rejects the labels "Christian" and "congregation," preferring "followers of Jesus" and "friendship community." There are no ushers, but rather "helpers." There is no worship team, but rather "God artists." And woe to anyone who affixes traditional church labels to any of it.

"God's doing a new thing here," says Mitch Townsend, the leader of the church. He shuns the "pastor" label and insists people call him, "Hey, man," or simply "Dude." If someone slips and calls him "pastor," he bristles and gently rebukes them.

"We got rid of all those old labels," he says. "There's no going back."

At the church office, which they never call a church office but rather "the Hub," secretaries, or "community action facilitators" as they are called here, tap-tap on computers (which they still call computers) and take calls. When a visitor slips up and refers to The Circle's "sanctuary," Dude Townsend cuts him short.

"Listen, it's not a sanctuary, it's a meeting place, a gathering place," he says, flushing red.

"Sorry, pastor," the visitor says.

"Not pastor," says Townsend. "Dude, or friend. Or just hey, Mitch."


"Sorry, Dude Mitch," the visitor says uncomfortably, and slinks away. Mitch quickly goes to him and hugs him.

"We're all about love and freedom here," he says. "I know it's hard to get used to."

At a Sunday morning "gathering," as services must be called, people sit in chairs arranged in circle around a "focal point" (not a platform) and listen to the team of God-artists play instruments and sing "songs of adoration and devotion to the Creator," as opposed to praise and worship music. The gathered "posse of Jesus followers" is free to sing along and to express themselves in any way that seems "real and authentic."

"We strive to be genuine here," says non-pastor "Hey, Jim" Richards, who in another setting might be called an associate pastor. "It's about being who you are, not fitting into a pre-determined box."

Before Dude Mitch's personal sharing time (which markedly resembles a sermon), one visitor raises her hand and says, "Is there going to be an altar call? Because I really want to give my life to Jesus today."

Dude Mitch answers quickly, "We don't have altar calls here; we have 'God moments' or 'Creator re-connects.' And we don't say 'give your life to Jesus,' but you may begin a lifelong love relationship with the Creator-Friend, if you like. But please wait until we are done with sharing time."

After the service, "new friends" join in the "kick-back hall" for refreshments and conversation with the Dudes and other Hub personnel. They may also join a mid-week "hang-out crew" of 10-12 people which meets in a home, and which is steadfastly not referred to as a "small group."

"Anyone who wants a break from normal, rigid church life is welcome at The Circle," says Townsend. •




Why fear the dark?
How can we help but love it
when it is the darkness
that brings the stars to us?
What's more: who does not know
that it is on the darkest nights
that the stars acquire
their greatest splendor?


- Dom Helder Camara (1909-1999), Brazilian Catholic archbishop



 

In the year 2005 I resolve to: Swallow more, spit less. Get your resolution here

So things got a little worse yesterday, I know some of you know jeff, from jewel, and most of you have at least heard me talk about him at some point. He got into a really bad car accident yesterday and he's not doing well. His car hit a patch of ice and he slid into the other side of the road and a mail truck hit him. It was the next size up from the ones that deliver neighborhood mail. He had apparently been looking out the passengerside window and the truck hit him on the driver's side, so he has injuries to the back of his head. He has (I think) 3 fractures in his skull, his left lung collapsed, he has broken ribs, and they thought he was bleeding internally, but they realized he wasn't. I went to visit him at the hospital today and it was so difficult to see him like that, he has a tube in his head to monitor brain pressure and one down his throat for breathing and a feeding tube. When I walked in, his mother just started crying and came over by me and hugged me. I have actually only met his family today for the first time, his brothers (3 of them) and his dad are all taking it just as hard, we were all crying almost the whole time I was there. He will probably have to relearn some things once he starts to heal, he'll be in the ICU for about a week, he's at good samaritan, in DG. He was in the daily herald and his accident was on the news yesterday. I don't believe in god, but i know that good thoughts and good vibes can help, so if you pray, pray for him, if you don't, hope for the best for him. Thanks guys, I love you all

In the year 2005 I resolve to: Take over the world. Get your resolution here

It's been a crappy week or so for me here, at work, they decided to move me back up to the front end and make me a cashier, I was pissed. It got better. They person who trains is on medical leave indefinitely, so who knows when I will be trained as a cashier, not that I don't already know most of the things to do anyway. Until I can be trained I have to bag. I am so fucking pissed about this because it is such a remedial job. Yesterday they made me do carts and I almost had a nervous breakdown, I can't quit, I have bills. I am so much better than this job allows me to be, though, I need so badly to find something that will afford new opportunities to be who I would so badly like to be.

I love all of you guys who have been there for me this past year, it's been really rough at times and I know that some people would have just shrugged it off and said she's not worth the drama, but you guys have been there when I needed it most and I really appreciate it, thank you.